Crisis of Faith/Crisis of Love

by Fr. Thomas Keating

Chapter 19

Peter: The Formation of a Disciple

Part VII

Peter is still down, so Jesus gives him a little boost. He sends him to prepare the paschal supper. Events are coming to a quick conclusion now, and Jesus has got his bitter passion to go through. He selected Peter for the job, but just so he would not think he was the only person in the show, Jesus sent John along to help him. So Peter and John go off to prepare the supper.

When everything has been arranged and all are reclining at the table, Jesus interrupts the supper to wash the feet of the apostles. Here again we see Peter in his characteristic faults. Jesus wants to give an example. He wants to do something for Peter and the others. He wants to serve them. He goes around to each and, like a slave, washes their feet. When he comes to Peter, Peter says, "Oh no! Wash my feet? Never!" It is his usual speech before he thinks.

Jesus says quietly and firmly, "What I want to do, you do not understand. But please let me wash your feet. You will understand it by and by."

A lot of people are like Peter. You cannot do anything for them. They have always got to do something for you. Sometimes the Lord wants to do something for us. We may not realize why he is doing it, but we can be sure he is not doing it for nothing.

Jesus warns, "If I do not wash these feet of yours, you will have no part with me."

Then Peter goes from one extreme to the other: "Wash my head, my hands, everything!"

If you or I had been Jesus, I think we would have taken that basin and . . . Jesus remains calm, puts up with Peter, and finally succeeds in washing his feet. During the last supper, there is another row over who is going to be the greatest. Even up to the last moments of Jesus' life, the disciples cannot seem to get through their heads what discipleship really means.

Jesus tries to prepare them for this going away and for his passion, but without much success. They are like little children gathered around their father who is trying to explain some great family tragedy to them. They just cannot understand; it is too much for them. Jesus goes out of his way. He stoops to the farthest possible extent to explain his going away to them, but he finally has to give up. Later, they will understand.

He had warned them, "You are all going to be shaken in your faith because it is written: 'I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.' But after I am risen from the dead (notice that he always encourages them, gives them hope), I will go before you to Galilee, and there you will see me."

Here Peter speaks up: "Even if all the others lose faith in you, I will not be shaken in mine."

This is Peter at his impetuous best. He is like some giant missile about to take off from the launching pad with great billows of smoke and an ear-splitting blast--but nothing happens; it remains on the ground, just a big fizzle.

Jesus replied, "I have to be plain with you, Peter. This night before the cock crows, you will deny me three times."

Peter said, "Even if I die with you, I will never disown you." He is confident of himself, quite sure of his own loyalty and reliability, instead of trusting in God's help and protection. He never learned that lesson during Jesus' earthly ministry. So Jesus leaves it there. Peter will have to learn by experience.

During the course of Jesus' passion, Peter not only goes to sleep in the garden but is no help or consolation whatsoever. He even makes a fool of himself and embarrasses Jesus by cutting off the ear of the high priest's servant. Then he seems to have run away. Later, he shows up, standing in the back of the Praetorium warming himself by a fire. When he is confronted and challenged by the servant girl, he disowns Jesus once, twice, a third time. The last time, the servant girl says to him, "You are one of them! Your accent betrays you."

Bursting out cursing and swearing--he has not forgotten how to do that--Peter shouts, "I have nothing to do with that man!"

This is the great Peter, the would-be right-hand-man of the Messiah, the one who was going to die for him; the one who had "given up everything to follow him." When the chips were down, so was he. Immediately, the cock crows. What a gong that must have resounded in Peter's ears! He remembered the prediction of the Master, "Before the cock crows, you will disown me three times." he went out and wept bitterly. In Luke's account, we are told that Jesus looked at him and their eyes met. After that Peter went out and broke into sobs.

Think how Peter felt when he looked into those eyes. It was the darkest hour of his life. For the first time he realized: "I am not worthy to be a disciple of Jesus Christ." And he just could not stand himself anymore. He went out and wept his heart out. He realized for the first time that of himself he was nothing: just a total failure, a lot of hot air. One look from the Lord . . .

When Jesus wants to make something out of us, he looks at us in the way he looked at Peter. He makes us see into the depths of our hearts and perceive how much evil is there under so many disguises. In that moment when Jesus looked at Peter, he stripped him of all his pretenses and disguises.

Jesus had to go on alone with no help from Peter or the other apostles. He had to go through the work of the redemption alone and lay down his life for them. Only after it was over, did they start reviving, and only because he revived them.

Peter, because of his triple denial, was in the deepest depression of them all. With Jesus' usual touching thoughtfulness, in his very first appearance after his resurrection, Jesus sent Peter a special message. He said to the women at the empty tomb, "Go tell the disciples and Peter that I have risen." As Peter gradually revived, it was a new Peter, much chastened, much wiser.

To be continued

More information can be obtained by reading the book Crisis of Faith/Crisis of Love by Fr. Thomas Keating.  It is offered in our