Crisis of Faith/Crisis of Love

by Fr. Thomas Keating

Chapter 19

Peter: The Formation of a Disciple

Part VIII

The most important appearance of Jesus after his resurrection, as far as Peter was concerned, occurred by the Lake of Tiberius. Jesus had said to the disciples, "Go to Galilee, I will meet you there." So they went to Galilee and were sitting around, waiting. They waited, and waited some more. They finally got tired of waiting. peter, more restless than the others, announced: "I am going fishing." As if to say, "No use sitting around here any longer--nothing is happening."

The others said, "Okay. We will go with you." They got into the boat, rowed out into the lake, and started fishing.

The others said, "Okay. We will go with you." They got into the boat, rowed out into the lake, and started fishing.

The night wore on. It got later, and later, and later. Nothing happened. It was one of those fishless nights--a vivid symbol of what we feel when we have been praying for something a long time and nothing happens. We ask and ask, but no reply comes they were out on the lake the whole night. Their frustration and annoyance were mounting as the night drew to its close.

Towards dawn, a stranger appeared on the shore and called out to them, "Lads, have you caught anything?"

They looked at one another with mounting indignation. "Who does this guy think he is?" Anybody should know that fishermen would not be out there at that time of the night if they had caught anything at all.

So they yelled back, "No!"

Not to be put off by their unfriendly reply to his friendly greeting, the stranger called back, "Why not cast your net over to the other side of the boat? Then you will catch something."

They had nothing to lose, so they cast the net on the other side of the boat and immediately there was a tremendous catch. This set of circumstances is remarkably similar to that described on the occasion of Peter's first call to discipleship.

John at once recognizes who the stranger is, and says to Peter, "That must be the Lord!"

John, the beloved disciple, had the keen perception that comes from love and instantly recognizes Jesus in the event. This is what characterizes a living faith. It penetrates the events of life and recognizes Christ in them.

Peter, in characteristic fashion, jumps into the water and swims ashore. Jesus says, "I have everything under control." He had thoughtfully begun to fry some fish for the hungry fishermen. He said to Peter, "Why don't you go and count the fish? Afterwards bring me some fish from those you have caught."

The others, meanwhile, were taking their time. They had brought the fish ashore and were sorting them out.

The gospel says, "They gathered around Jesus for breakfast." He had invited them, saying, "Come, and eat." But no one dared to ask who he was. They knew who he was.

Their meal is something like our meal with Jesus in the Eucharist. There are no external exchanges, but there is real communication, an exchange that is all interior and too deep for words. Jesus is gradually preparing them for a new kind of presence that they do not know about yet, which will be given them through the outpouring of the Holy Spirit at Pentecost.

They finished their breakfast, and then Jesus called Peter aside. They walked together down the beach. Jesus put his arm around him. But Peter's heart sank. Perhaps he was thinking, "Well, I guess this is it. I denied the Lord three times. now he is going to remind me of my denials, and tell me that John is going to take over as top man."

The expectation of this inevitable confrontation had been lying heavily on Peter's mind. He does not speak up during any of the apparitions of the risen Jesus which precede this one. He was too crushed after his triple denial to say anything. He knew he had failed and that it was right that John should take over. It was only right that Jesus should look around for somebody better. No one could have done any worse than he: to deny the Lord three times.

Jesus had permitted those three serious denials in order to let Peter come to know himself. Now he intended to put the finishing touches to the job. So he said to Peter, using his given name and speaking in a very formal manner, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?"

Peter replies, "Lord, you know that I love you." But he does not use the word for love that the Lord has just used. The word that Peter uses is the love of one person for another, human love.

This is the first time Peter has taken full stock of himself. All he can lay claim to is that he loves Jesus as a friend loves a friend. He does not lay claim to anything higher.

The Lord replies, "Feed my lambs."

At first glance, it seems as though Jesus is offering Peter a chance to atone for his triple denial by a triple act of love. But on closer observation, something more profound seems to be taking place in this exchange. The Lord by means of these searching, excruciating questions, is literally lifting Peter and hurling him from one abyss of humiliation to another. All those other humiliations were nothing compared to these. He is talking heart-to-heart to Peter and putting his finger on the thing that is most precious and deep in him--his love for him--and calling it into question. He is deliberately doubting it.

"Jesus said a second time, 'Simon, son of John, do you really love me?"

Again, Jesus speaks of charity, the divine way of loving. "Do you love me in the way I showed you when I died for you, and in the way I commanded you and the other disciples to show love for one another?"

Peter does not want to risk claiming anything, so he replies using the same words as before, "I do love you with my human affection."

Jesus answers, "Be shepherd of my flock."

Peter is becoming aware that he is being reinstated as head of the apostles. But at what a price! The price is utter humiliation! This is the goal of all Jesus' formation: humility. It alone leads to the love he is talking about.

Now comes the formal question: "Simon, son of John (and here he uses Peter's own word), do you really love me--even with your human affection? Are you really my friend?" This must have hurt. In other words, "Are you even sure of your human affection for me?" Or again, "Do you love me at all?"

Peter is spiritually naked before Jesus with his poor wretched and miserable humanity. He has nothing to offer except what Jesus is giving him. Jesus rewards him for each new humiliation with a towering height of grace, confirming him in his unique vocation as the "rock," turning this heap of sand into a solid block of granite on which to build his Church.

The gospel says that it "grieved" Peter that he asked him a third time, "Do you love me at all?"

Peter cries out in desperation, "Lord, you know everything," appealing to his divine knowledge. But then, as if fearing what this divine judgment might be, he returns to his appeal to Jesus' human knowledge, repeating for the third time, "You know (just from human observation) that I love you!"

Absolutely humbled before Jesus and those standing around them, Peter heard Jesus say, "Feed my sheep . . . I make you chief of the apostles because of your lowliness, which you now fully accept. I am going to give you the heroic love that you do not dare to lay claim to. One day you will indeed lay down your life for me."

His last words to Peter are the same as the words he spoke to him long ago: "Follow me."

These are the same words Jesus had spoken to him when he called him out of his boat. but what a difference! What depths of meaning they have acquired over the years! The same voice, the same words. The ears that hear are the same. But Peter's heart has been transfigured. We, too, have to start out to follow him again and again, no matter how far we may have advanced.

This is the great Apostle whom Jesus fashioned with his own hands. And Jesus is taking us up with the same gentleness and firmness, and leading us in the same direction. What he is ultimately asking of any apostle is not what he has done, but whether he loves him.

"Do you love me?" Peter's answer to that question is what makes a true apostle.

More information can be obtained by reading the book Crisis of Faith/Crisis of Love by Fr. Thomas Keating.  It is offered in our