Contemplative Outreach News ~ Volume 21 , Number 2 · Summer 2006

Reader's Reflections

In God's Dark Room | Centering at Holy Cross Abbey | Dancing with God

By Daniel J. Costa
San Quentin Prison

When it comes to the topic of transformation, there are many schools of thought. This article is about one of them, how Centering Prayer is the "divine solution" to transformation.

I began Centering Prayer about two months ago at San Quentin State Prison with the understanding that this method of prayer was all about transformation. This was something I desperately sought, having returned to prison for the fifth time in twenty years. Needless to say, I was almost at the point of giving up any hope of ever breaking this "prison cycle" that had now become such a consistent part of my adult life.

Having a wife and child in my life, I felt this was my last chance at the hope of changing. Every previous prison commitment involved an all-out effort at transforming myself, to change in order to stay out of prison. I attended the chapel programs, learning all I could about transformative principles, and a new way of living my life. I learned that transformation required a change (upon parole) in the places I would frequent, the things I would do, and the people I would associate with. All these biblical and well thought out guidelines would work for awhile upon release, but in time, the euphoria of this superficial transformation would fade and I would find myself back in prison. I finally came to the realization that transformation had to come from within and that all I had previously done was simply it on the surface.

With the encouragement of my new friend, Kenny, I decided to give Centering Prayer a chance at transforming what I previously believed was untransformable, my life! I began Centering Prayer at San Quentin's Catholic chapel, facilitated by George Biniek; Sr. Suzanne Toolan, RSM; and Sr. Marguerite Buchanan, RSM.

I was instructed in the methodology, but what caught my attention was the lack of reference to anything outside of my life. The focus was on the inside, an inward journey, seeking God's divine presence within me, a contact as a result of responding to the Spirit of Christ by consenting to God's presence and action within. Once this contact was made, God would take care of the rest. There was nothing further for me to do.

I must say, this form of transformation stood in direct contrast to the "proactive" and "hands-on" approach I had utilized over the last twenty years. Acknowledging my failed previous attempts of transformation, I now gave "God's Way" a try.

On that first session at Centering Prayer, I chose my "sacred word," the silent word that would symbolize my intention of agreeing with the need for God's deep transformative work within my soul. I committed myself to two twenty-minute sessions of meditation a day as taught.

Like most beginners, I was amazed at the over activity of my mind, in its inability to remain detached from any one thought. But through patient and constant use of my sacred word, over time, I was able to stay with my intention of making contact with God's divine presence within my soul. Through faith, I came to believe in God's deep work of transformation.

Over a period of about two months, I began to see the fruits of Centering Prayer in my daily life. I noticed an increased ability in the area of self-control. For the first time in my life, I found myself willing to go without participation in particular selfish and sinful desires that had always plagued my life. Through the new Christ-like desire of not wanting to see others hurt, I saw myself dying to what once enslaved me. I also noticed a new sense of peace permeating my soul, even though I was separated from those I love most, my wife and son.

I understood that God was in control and that everything would be fine. For the first time there was a confident hope with regards to getting out and staying out of prison. I began to experience a force being built into my faith walk that had never been there before. Oh, I had mouthed words of "faith in the blessings of God," but it was not an expectant kind of faith. I now find myself not only making my petitions daily to Him, but waiting in expectation for their fulfillment.

Most importantly, I began to experience a new Christ-like quality of love towards those I had once decided were unlovable. There was now a love welling up in my soul that was compelling me to give of myself for the good of others. Others who I had at one time judged unworthy of my love. As Fr. Thomas Keating so succinctly puts it, "a union of the soul between God, oneself, and others."

One of the greatest blessings in comprehending the dynamics of Centering Prayer are the many books written by Fr. Keating. Through these books one gains a thorough understanding of how Centering Prayer relates to transformation. But I was seeking some simpler explanation, believing that there are many like me from within the Protestant denominations who, due to a lack of exposure to this much needed form of prayer, would also benefit.

My reflective search, which was simple, clear and scriptural, formed the basis for the following insights. Photographic processing is something I know very well, having had the job of photographing (and processing) inmates for their photo I.D.’s during one of my prison terms. God revealed to me, through this process, how Centering Prayer and the transformative process can be understood in light of photographic development.

In God's Dark Room | Centering at Holy Cross Abbey | Dancing with God

In God's Dark Room | Centering at Holy Cross Abbey | Dancing with God